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been putting it off forever....

finally paid for the exam! gotta wait a couple days for the ATT letter email so I can register! now I gotta choose when.. and.... San Diego or Phoenix?? lol

monday monday...

so this weekend I managed to work two closing shifts without Joss's dad watching her and nothing bad went down. I know that's really pessimistic but it's hard to drop your child off somewhere and just cross your fingers. especially with no notice (jerk!). she did cry and cry and cry friday though; it was so pitiful. we curled up in our oversized chair and rocked and talked. poor thing. he's supposedly picking her up from school today because he (finally) misses her. ugh.

I did get two go out twice this weekend and had fun both times. met a nice (so far) guy. woot woot. he's cute. has nice teeth and smile. on par (above average?) intelligence and humor. digging it. two school-age kids but they live with their mumsy. we shall see. :)

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ptcb pre-test

passed the pre-test today. must register for the exam so I can get my authorization letter and schedule it soon... on a less neutral note, I've lost 5 lbs! not since yesterday of course, but since last week. so excited. I feel like all the "suffering" isn't for naught! lol

it's been a long while...

I think I need you again, LJ. lots of thoughts and brilliantly futile attempts at salvaging my life lately. Jocelyn is four now. I am 25. I have several (boring?) goals that I must attain and chronicling may help.....

1) must lose weight. once I get the intake under control, I'm going back to zumba.

2) must register, attend, and pass my ptcb exam. anxiety's the hardest part. otherwise I own that shit.

3) must get a degree in something; i don't care what.  oops, I mean..... must get my AS in nursing or science. When Joss is older we can do Pharmacy at UofA Phx.

4) but the hardest thing, LJ.... I must stay away from men. I get so
stupid. It's a waste of my time.

wish me luck!

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so big so fastCollapse )

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Examining Freud's 5 Psychosexual Stages

Oral Stage: I think I’m fixated at this stage because I was probably over-gratified with food or other soothers as a child. Where the focus of this stage is how to self-soothe, I still find that I need props. I tend to overdo oral things like talking, and when it comes to that chocolate cake you know I can’t just eat one slice! However, I do not smoke or gamble.

Anal Stage: I think I’m anal retentive in most aspects of my life, so I was probably under-gratified at this stage of development. Where the focus of this stage is to learn self-control, I find that even though I aim for this, it actually causes me to be out of control. I’m quite the perfectionist when it comes to most things, even to the point of sometimes having too much anxiety to complete things in a timely manner (or overly-neglecting other things I find less important).

Phallic Stage: Since the phallic stage is when one develops their gender identity, I’m not really sure how to answer. I know I started this stage aligned with my Dad, and never really grew out of it (my parents were divorced when I was 4 and even though I lived with my Mom, I never really perceived her to be a “female” role model and thus never desired to align with her). I’m still a Daddy’s girl and I think I fall under the category of “commitment phobia.” I am overly demanding of any partner, I suppose because I was under-gratified by not experiencing a functioning marital bond between my parents.

Latency Stage: Although I was socially active in this stage (girl scouts, student council, etc.), I don’t really feel that I fully experienced it. I am by no means androgenous but feel at this point of my life (going to school for the second time, just getting out of a long-term relationship) that I am going out into the world and reexamining my place in society as well as my Ego Ideal. (I know Freud would not agree.)

Genital Stage: It is interesting that I have had a hard time being monogamous and have not settled down, which would indicate that I was over-gratified at this stage. Knowing my personal history, however, I would disagree with this entirely. Having had a child and attempting to build a mature sexual relationship, I really think these “symptoms” actually go back to the Phallic Stage and commitment phobia.

Freud... there ego's again!

Are you more ID, EGO, or SuperEGO?

I feel that I am more EGO than ID, and definitely more EGO than SuperEGO. I constantly find myself arguing over how to go about things in a socially responsible manner.

Of course there are times when that entire chocolate cake just has to be eaten until the very last bite, or that guy with a girlfriend really just has to have a seductive glance, but that's just the ID getting its way every once in a while. For me, tact and appearance are very important. I remember telling my ex all the time: "you can't say that that way!" and things like that. That's my EGO trying not to look bad (or trying to have manners).

When it comes to my SuperEGO, I think I am very good at understanding being in someone else's "shoes" but at the same time it really isn't enough. I understand when things I do are wrong but normally don't carry too much guilt around, maybe because my EGO has convinced me that it was socially acceptable even though it was morally reprehensible? Interesting.

More random bullshit musings...

So there's this guy. And I really like him. And he makes me glow from the inside out. And I can't have him. Cuz SHE has him. And he wants to take care of her. He loves her? But there is something about me. And he's told some of his friends about me. But he won't say what he said. So I don't know what he thinks. Or feels. And I'm so confused. And I always want to push the envelope. But I never want to make the first move... fear of...
rejection? (would he say no?)
guilt? (would I really feel bad? and for what? breaking up a home...? I know he won't leave her)
sluttiness? (would I look like a slut if I did what I felt?)

I think there are two reasons why I never wanted to get married.
1) I never wanted to be vulnerable and in love. (like I saw my mom: heartbroken, weak, and useless) But now I'm vulnerable and stupid anyway. I've already fucked my life up. What's the use in protecting myself now?
2) Marriage is a sham and true love can't exist. (because everyone cheats) But now I see how happy Dad and JoAnn are and maybe people really can find their counterpart in another...

BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS LOVE ANYWAY?
Some happy fuzzy? That goes away, doesn't it? Acceptance? Anyone can love anyone then. Wanting the best for someone? I tried that, that's just nurture.

I want to make someone undescribably happy by just being me. I wanna wash and they dry. I wanna work and come home and veg and snuggle. I don't care what gender they are. I don't care if I have a ring. I don't even maybe care if it's forever. I want to LIVE. Sometimes damnit I'll want to argue but not about anything serious and only to make up afterward. And if I want to stay mad then damnit I will!! But I want someone there for me as much as I am for them, but neither of us be a burden. I want to belong but feel free. Does that exist?

And the real answer is that it doesn't matter. I need to finish school. I need to get a good job. I need to provide for my daughter. If I'm just fucked on the side of the road then that's what I get. Somewhere somehow some happiness will find me. (And my head screams... BUT IT ALREADY HAS, YOU STUPID CUNT. LOOK IT IN THE FACE AND EMBRACE IT.)

I just don't know.

I don't know where to write. I don't know who to talk to. I don't know where to go. I don't know what I want. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? I am in tears over what? Some stupid Psychology assignment? Not knowing what the fuck I am doing with my life...? Somebody just tell me what to do and I'll do it. Help me world, cuz I'm trying and no matter what I do I feel fake.

One of my friends today asked me if I was gay. It's no secret I like chicks. And I am pretty sure I love guys...? I mean sure the thought has occurred to me on occasion... but I dunno.

Would I rather be with a guy or a chick? Could I have both? WOuld I want both? Would I rather sacrifice or live life knowing I made the other person sacrifice? I mean I've always been fairly sure I never wanted to get married, but that was long before I realized that my Dad and JoAnn are actually legitimately happy. I lived most of my life thinking marriage was shit... of course I didn't want one.

And now that I have Joss, I can say I don't want another baby because 1) didn't really want one in the first place, 2) I'm not that great of a mom, and 3) I don't want kids from different dads, and 4) I don't want any more kids with Marty. So I can't have another kid, not that I don't love kids, and not that I don't love the one I have. But I fucked it up. So it's okay.

But if I don't want more kids. And I don't want to be married. And I don't want to be single. And I like girls. And I like guys. Then what the fuck is there?

"You really just don't know what you want."

I guess I don't...

Many Questions

We are moving back to Yuma but we don't know when. He hates his job and he hates Denver. But I hate Yuma and I like my job and I just found inspiration to open my own store soon and I'm getting creative again and now I have to pack everything up and say goodbye to that because Yuma already has a scrapbook store and I don't think it's big enough for two. Anyway, I said we could move when he gets a better job there. Could be two weeks, could be three months.

I know, I know it will be better and I'll have family and babysitters and all that but I hated that small town thing before and I think I'll hate it some more. I know it's grown a lot but has it grown enough?

How come jobs can turn you down if you have bad credit?

Is there a feminine form of administrator? Administratrix? hehe

http://dreamsonpaper.etsy.com - Visit ME!
So Marty's mom came and showed me how to make chicken chimichangas and stocked our fridge a bit and they brought a dog that made our cat nuts. But all in all it was fun. :) Since then I've been attempting to start sorting through stuff and pack a little bit. Attempting.

Then I got sick for a day and puked up everything, even water. No idea.

But then I got better and made Splendid (hehe) chocolate chip cookies. Although they're not as "good" as Tollhouse with nuts (particularly because they don't have nuts in them) they're damn good for being way healthier. And it's good that they're not so bad for me because yeah... well they're good.

Anyway lately I've come across some older CD's I lost and listened to Incubus - Make Yourself while doing the dishes and making dinner for me and the baby. I thought it was awesome THEN and it's really oh so much more applicable to my life now. Wow. Maybe more analytical postings on this later - baby is unhappy. Time for bath and sleep methinks.

Boy do I want a bath.